I just don’t know why do I felt so down today. Maybe becoz …of yesterday event that left me totally …there is no words for me to express myself..i find myself..ugly..that’s all. OK..enough Nora Samad, if there is any self-esteem left in you…I think there is none..ZERO. I don’t denied kak juls and kak chitra are a real pro in handling beginner like me but then, I am just shock at myself..i am just plain UGLY…better still, stay away from others..i don’t shine and I don’t sparkle. Let me stay at the back better still. I prefer that way..i should just go for natural look..and dun look so “colourful”…
I saw him this morning..at the mrt station..after so long..seen him..i am very surprised of his reaction. Very surprised. I think I should give myself a WAKE UP call… “Let it go…he is not interested in you”…I m feeling much better now..after getting myself too emotional with this issue. This has to stop. It effecting myself too much. I can’t separate myself from reality to imaginary. I think I have to console myself and learn to love myself first before anything else..i need to get closer to Allah..i need to start all over again on how to pray..so I am better prepared. I need to get myself be prepared for any negativism I will be getting in the future, to calm myself of how obstacles come to me are actually a test from “HIM”. Its to “HIM” u got to ask for guidance and forgiveness, coz one day, we will return to “HIM”.
My mind is made up..i decided to quit the facebook..out from my life . I would delete it and closed it. I don’t need this pain inside me to grow and become a sickness in me. I would rather he come forward and tell me straight away…”Hey…I dun want u”..at least I got the answer that I been looking for. And will know..where I stand…although I didn’t stand anywhere near him thou..hahahah..this decision of mine to delete my account is something that I truly wanted. Maybe I will consider again but the thought if it, already implemented in me. It is best, to leave it as it was. He is not from here..he is a stranger and he is someone new that I knew. Let’s take it..it is just my illusions.
Why do everyone is blaming fate..why do everyone think..FATE is so cruel. Its us…human who made it so. We are the one who hurt others intentional or unintentionally. We should be the one to be punished, not fate. Think of all the confusion, heartaches and broken hearts out there..think of all it..and you will find the answer
1/11/2010
It’s the start of the November month..the Scorpio’s month..i had a bad fight with my sister…last nite..i was down…very down..but she..assume and act as if I am in the wrong..ok,so wat I was in.
I cried in the nite till my eye are swollen…let it out all out..with isa next to me..my bro was call ..after the fight…
With this eye…swollen..i met him and we chat at the train station…till clementi..where he drop. Had a lot of chat in the train…and suddenly I notice a ring..my heart beat stop.And I know he did his best to hide it…my heart break….again..hahahah..dun know why I want to write all this but it does help me to release a bit of my tension..of him and work.
"Dear Allah,
I pray you hear my pleas from me..i pray with your guidance and blessing and I hope you are able to guide me in proper Islamic way…and I pray to you..please make me happy…and not sad..please protect me from any disaster or any trouble..please protect me from destroying myself…"
I got a positive respond on my make up..happy to hear that..hehehe..a bit slowly I am learning on how to make myself up and how to dress myself up and got some positive respond..glad to hear that..i am making myself more prettier although I know..i am ugly..hahaha..sometimes I wonder why I was born ugly..why couldn't I be sweet or pretty like my other cousin or sister-in-laws…why?why?
As day goes by…I realize the feeling of missing him..is slowly decreasing although he still on my mind and I do still remember him..always. That’s call obsessed with love..hahaha..this is me..a NUTCASE on the loose
The CGH project is getting to the end and somehow…the feeling of losing some close colleague is something I rather not think of..i dun want to feel attached or felt lost. I hope their new workplace is a better place and better in any sense. Although some have express their unsatisfactory of not gaining the extra $$ for the new salary..anyway, they have decided to go and join CGH…that’s their decision…while the rest of us will be deployed to other department..most likely under LTA
Since this morning…my mood is gloomy..i didn’t hear any new from him or chubb nadd or rafeah..these are the peoples that I always interact on the email..to ease my boredom in the office since I couldn’t access to internet. I am also being ban from using the facebook in at home..all is my sis action..so I am kind of piss…but its ok. Everytime the lappy is spoiled..its my fault..everytime its like that..and I am kind of piss about it. One day, she will know where is the fault is.
They, my friends were telling me that I am sooo stupid to being play by a guy…and yet still can think of his well being and him. Maybe coz I dun want to carry the hatred in my heart thus making me this way…able to accept anything that came my way and my life. Well that’s me..i learn to accept the flaw in me..and learn to accept the negative stuff about myself..look for ways to improve myself, for I know, insyallah, Allah will show me the way for me to change..for the better. I know, one day the time will come…soon.
This November, I dun feel like celebrating my birthday..as I find..this year..is a moody month. I dun felt happiness or anything to celebrate or being happy about it. With my sister constant bickering…I felt its time and better to move out of the house..knowing it for my sanity too…in the end.
4th Nov
Today is the eve of Deepavali 2010…it is few days I last heard from him..and last nite , for nite walk…I had heart to heart talk with my niece. I am surprised,my sister knew about him..and even predicted prematurely that he is just playing around with me..definitely he is attached to someone back home..but just passing his time here in Singapore. I guess..i better guard myself against this type of person..this type of man. But as a women, I admit, we are the weakest species around and definitely always in the most compromise situation. Only the strongest survive and I hope and I pray I will be in that category. Please Allah..do help your humble servant..
Being in Singapore, it is not easy..the work pressure..the peers pressure and families bonds. For those who had good jobs are often in dilemma..either financially or constantly trying to pair up to their expectation in wealth and monetary gains. So what, if you are earning more than $3k but with debts around you? I had that taste before and now, I am paying it..more every sweat and hard work I am doing now..there is no holiday for me unless my families sponsor or anything. For that, I am thankful I got a great family that stand by me..and I am glad..very glad. I love each one of them..in my own way..although I seldom told them I love them…but by my action. Action speak louder than words.
NORA