Friday, December 24, 2010
Dear Blogger,
I have lapse in writing on my blog..i miss it so much. It is just that my time is taken up much with the new place located near my place,NCS BUkit Batok for Ministry of Manpower navigation portal web. I have go thru a lot of domain training. At this moment, i find the training is tough..and my trainer,is helpful although there is not much interaction with her.
For weeks, my mind always wander back to him. I can't even concentrate in my training and i must pass the test. For weeks, i felt so down and disappointed. I can't control my emotions and tears keep on rolling down. Why do Allah let me know these 2 people in my life? Why? why did she do all this..knowing that i am fragile when come to this issues..numerous time i have told her, never date or even go out with men's who are attached, but she refused. There wasn't even any bad attention in my ways of helping her, brought her in my circles of frens and even get her to tag along with me,when i met him for the 2ND time. But fate is cruel. And brutal truth,really hurts.
I had a painful experience..the guy is a jerk.No guts to tell or ask me direct but listen to another party,who is a complicated person. He seriously had a fetish for big size gal and i am one of them, who fall for it. Stupidity. I should have listen to my instinct and warnings from others. But i refused and i pay for it.
There is a reason why i delete her from my FB. Her negativeness and aspect towards life, is truly shown me how complicated and complex in her mind. She need helps. Someone need to refer her for counselling. But alas, her ego and arrogant attitude will one day pay for it. She may say whatever she want to others about me. She may say, what she want to add to the story but i know, what i am doing. Being quiet and silence doesn't mean i am in wrong. One day, the truth will be out.
I am just disappointed that he, judge me in the different way. For months, after knowing his real status, i prepared myself. I know, i meant nothing and he is not wrong to befriend another muslimah. You can't help it to fall for a sweet talker and a seducer but ending in this way, truly hurt me. Whenever there is a Beginning,there is an Ending but to end a friendship in this way, is not the way. Obviously, this guy is just a jerk who flirt and hurt other ladies.
Thank you for that anonymous FB-ian who send me the msg thru my fb, informing his real status. Provide me a lot of details even issues of him in UBD years ago. Gave me his link thru goggle and his blog and friendster. But i dun need all this. I dun need to see all these. What i just need is, from his mouth that he is someone FIANCEE..of the girl whom he knew for 3 years. Seen the picture too,fair skin and chubby,a slightly smaller size than me or chubb nad. I am sooo DISAPPOINTED in him. Be a MAN. Ask me directly,why am i acting like this. But he didnt. Infact, he took the easiest way and delete me from his fren list in FB. Do i need this type of man,as a fren? I think not. It is easy being a LIAR but not a HONEST person. So what if you had the title HAJI..be truth to yourself.
I believe and i know, everything happen with a reason . Allah has make it that way. Tidak sia-sia aku diuji but knowing there is pasti ada Hikmahnya. Cuma waktu and masa akan menentukan. Walaupun perit rasa peristiwa ini,and knowing..they might be laughing behind my back..hanya Allah saja yang tahu. Walaupun jalanku berlikur-likur dan berduri, insyallah, tidak sia-sia aku diuji oleh Allah, pasti ada Hikmah-nya disebalik peristiwa ini.
Now, let me learn to forgive and forget this experience..this is a painful lesson i have learn in my life..to meet this jerk and this bitch. Hidup ini bijak menyusun untuk manusia belajar dari kesilapan. Semoga aku mampu bangun dari kesilapan ini dan berjalan terus..menyusun langkah dengan Bismillah..insyallah, hanya masa dan waktu dapat mengubati hati ini.
Dear Blogger,
I just don’t know why do I felt so down today. Maybe becoz …of yesterday event that left me totally …there is no words for me to express myself..i find myself..ugly..that’s all. OK..enough Nora Samad, if there is any self-esteem left in you…I think there is none..ZERO. I don’t denied kak juls and kak chitra are a real pro in handling beginner like me but then, I am just shock at myself..i am just plain UGLY…better still, stay away from others..i don’t shine and I don’t sparkle. Let me stay at the back better still. I prefer that way..i should just go for natural look..and dun look so “colourful”…
I saw him this morning..at the mrt station..after so long..seen him..i am very surprised of his reaction. Very surprised. I think I should give myself a WAKE UP call… “Let it go…he is not interested in you”…I m feeling much better now..after getting myself too emotional with this issue. This has to stop. It effecting myself too much. I can’t separate myself from reality to imaginary. I think I have to console myself and learn to love myself first before anything else..i need to get closer to Allah..i need to start all over again on how to pray..so I am better prepared. I need to get myself be prepared for any negativism I will be getting in the future, to calm myself of how obstacles come to me are actually a test from “HIM”. Its to “HIM” u got to ask for guidance and forgiveness, coz one day, we will return to “HIM”.
My mind is made up..i decided to quit the facebook..out from my life . I would delete it and closed it. I don’t need this pain inside me to grow and become a sickness in me. I would rather he come forward and tell me straight away…”Hey…I dun want u”..at least I got the answer that I been looking for. And will know..where I stand…although I didn’t stand anywhere near him thou..hahahah..this decision of mine to delete my account is something that I truly wanted. Maybe I will consider again but the thought if it, already implemented in me. It is best, to leave it as it was. He is not from here..he is a stranger and he is someone new that I knew. Let’s take it..it is just my illusions.
Why do everyone is blaming fate..why do everyone think..FATE is so cruel. Its us…human who made it so. We are the one who hurt others intentional or unintentionally. We should be the one to be punished, not fate. Think of all the confusion, heartaches and broken hearts out there..think of all it..and you will find the answer
1/11/2010
It’s the start of the November month..the Scorpio’s month..i had a bad fight with my sister…last nite..i was down…very down..but she..assume and act as if I am in the wrong..ok,so wat I was in.
I cried in the nite till my eye are swollen…let it out all out..with isa next to me..my bro was call ..after the fight…
With this eye…swollen..i met him and we chat at the train station…till clementi..where he drop. Had a lot of chat in the train…and suddenly I notice a ring..my heart beat stop.And I know he did his best to hide it…my heart break….again..hahahah..dun know why I want to write all this but it does help me to release a bit of my tension..of him and work.
"Dear Allah,
I pray you hear my pleas from me..i pray with your guidance and blessing and I hope you are able to guide me in proper Islamic way…and I pray to you..please make me happy…and not sad..please protect me from any disaster or any trouble..please protect me from destroying myself…"
I got a positive respond on my make up..happy to hear that..hehehe..a bit slowly I am learning on how to make myself up and how to dress myself up and got some positive respond..glad to hear that..i am making myself more prettier although I know..i am ugly..hahaha..sometimes I wonder why I was born ugly..why couldn't I be sweet or pretty like my other cousin or sister-in-laws…why?why?
As day goes by…I realize the feeling of missing him..is slowly decreasing although he still on my mind and I do still remember him..always. That’s call obsessed with love..hahaha..this is me..a NUTCASE on the loose
The CGH project is getting to the end and somehow…the feeling of losing some close colleague is something I rather not think of..i dun want to feel attached or felt lost. I hope their new workplace is a better place and better in any sense. Although some have express their unsatisfactory of not gaining the extra $$ for the new salary..anyway, they have decided to go and join CGH…that’s their decision…while the rest of us will be deployed to other department..most likely under LTA
Since this morning…my mood is gloomy..i didn’t hear any new from him or chubb nadd or rafeah..these are the peoples that I always interact on the email..to ease my boredom in the office since I couldn’t access to internet. I am also being ban from using the facebook in at home..all is my sis action..so I am kind of piss…but its ok. Everytime the lappy is spoiled..its my fault..everytime its like that..and I am kind of piss about it. One day, she will know where is the fault is.
They, my friends were telling me that I am sooo stupid to being play by a guy…and yet still can think of his well being and him. Maybe coz I dun want to carry the hatred in my heart thus making me this way…able to accept anything that came my way and my life. Well that’s me..i learn to accept the flaw in me..and learn to accept the negative stuff about myself..look for ways to improve myself, for I know, insyallah, Allah will show me the way for me to change..for the better. I know, one day the time will come…soon.
This November, I dun feel like celebrating my birthday..as I find..this year..is a moody month. I dun felt happiness or anything to celebrate or being happy about it. With my sister constant bickering…I felt its time and better to move out of the house..knowing it for my sanity too…in the end.
4th Nov
Today is the eve of Deepavali 2010…it is few days I last heard from him..and last nite , for nite walk…I had heart to heart talk with my niece. I am surprised,my sister knew about him..and even predicted prematurely that he is just playing around with me..definitely he is attached to someone back home..but just passing his time here in Singapore. I guess..i better guard myself against this type of person..this type of man. But as a women, I admit, we are the weakest species around and definitely always in the most compromise situation. Only the strongest survive and I hope and I pray I will be in that category. Please Allah..do help your humble servant..
Being in Singapore, it is not easy..the work pressure..the peers pressure and families bonds. For those who had good jobs are often in dilemma..either financially or constantly trying to pair up to their expectation in wealth and monetary gains. So what, if you are earning more than $3k but with debts around you? I had that taste before and now, I am paying it..more every sweat and hard work I am doing now..there is no holiday for me unless my families sponsor or anything. For that, I am thankful I got a great family that stand by me..and I am glad..very glad. I love each one of them..in my own way..although I seldom told them I love them…but by my action. Action speak louder than words.
Recently, I read a book, given by a fren of how womens in Saudi Arabia suffer of constant abuse from their spouse,master or employers. Some are brutally rape..beaten with hot rod or irons and even nails. Why do these Arabs mens do these to their womens..aren’t they are born from womens too and their mother is a women. Why do these Arabs nations have been keeping quiet of this abuse? These womens are weak and they need help….by just reading what are some of the womens went thru the abuse, it makes me sick at the heart thinking..what kind of men are they? And yet, they are so rich..multimillionaire and very educated but nonetheless..they treat womens are a cattles to them.
I dun know where I got my courage but I got it somewhere..syukur alhamdulilah..and I asked him out..for a drink. Heehehe…somewhere near cck Lot 1…better still..no need to travel far..
Dear Blogger,
Do Women really need MEN in their live? That’s the question I would like to impose on someone like a fren of mine, who went thru messy life love triangles and another fren, who can’t wait to go home and be with her husband, whom they were together since 2003.
Now..let’s start with Fren A. She went thru hell with the hubby, caught him numerous time having affair and sex with other women's. She is a strong lady but eventually..emotions and heartaches are all she ever get since married to him. He doesn’t focus much on their maritial problems but instead, turn for comfort to other women’s..some who are young enough to be his sister. Do we really need this type of man in our live? We can’t answer that..we are not married to him..doesn’t know him well but judge him from external but WE do not need this type of men in our lives, who made us shed our tears always and the pain we had to suffer. Let’s kick this type of men out of our lives..so that we can have peace of mind.
My another fren, Fren B is in a stable marriage to a man whom she got hitched since 2003. That was 7 years ago and 3 year in a peace and harmony. Although they are not bless with any children's yet..but that does’t mean they are lonely or there is no laughter in the house. My Fren B was diagnosed with Incompetent Cervix 4 years ago. As a dutiful wife, she gave her husband the permission to marry another, to give him offspring. Till now, he never looked at another women…never cheated on her and always dutifully accompany her to the doctor appointment without fail. What does Incompetent Cervix means? It meant that she will always miscarriage any foetus. Her womb is sooo fragile that she may not able to hold anything even something as light as her husband sperm. But with the supports of the great man behind her..and the love they had for each other since school..syukur alhamdulilah they have been staying strong. Currently, they are thinking of adopting a child but at the moment, her condition is not stable yet and what more..with the new working environment, which is more challenging, she might need to cope with more stress in workload. Who said..to be a Civil Servant is an easy job? With this type of man for a husband, we will walk thru fire to be together..there was always a saying "There is always a women behind every Successful Man”…but this time it should be “ there is always a great man behind every great women”…
In a way, could we find a man for a husband, someone like our prophet Muhammad? Maybe that person do exist but he could be one in a millions. Let’s accept the fact that all of us have flaws that each of us have to respect or accept it. Your husband could be damn good looking but he’s a womanizer. Your husband is so quiet and soft-spoken but he an abuser. Nobody is perfect in this world.
Dear Blogger,
I attend the Artistry class of make up organize by Royal Touch Spa and Artistry products. It is very interesting and very informative. The basic point in learning how to put the basic foundation on your face actually need skills and to draw that eyebrow is a skill that we need mostly..to enhance our eyes and one thing for sure…for a skin like mine..not much blemish and spots (alhamdulilah)..we don’t need much heavy make up but a DAY make up is a much.
Alhamdulilah I attend this class..its a part of my way to enhance myself..thru make-up and exercise for my benefit of course. For my oneself and no one else. I find myself getting more vain…hahah. I used not to worry of my appearance..no make up..so what..i know my complexion was god gifted free of any spot and blemish or pimples but then ever since early this year, I had started myself on the Artistry products. I need to know more of my daily cleansing routine that help my skin to be good…am I going toward the area of being a BIMBO??..nooo…of course not..i dun wear 7 inch high heel with a mini-skirt..hahahahha..but a guy fren was telling me..in a way was giving me a useful tips..told me that
“ You had to do something about yourself, not only to look good but feel good in your own skin. You had to change your habits and change your lifestyle to accommodate the new “NORA” that is making her way out for Debut.. You got the looks..enhance it..You got the skin..make it glow..You got the way to talk..seduce or talk your way rite to it..dun hide your shyness..coz that’s not you. If you could charm a stranger..do it a classy way..not some bimbo’s or pro’s”..that’s coming from a guy who always conscious of his look..hahaah..Thanks Bro..
Dear Blogger,
Its been 2 days that I last heard from him. I wonder how he is and how is his result from the previous test..i wonder did he make it thru or just managed to scrap thru it..but knowing an intelligent person like him, I am confident he will make it..with flying colours..
Deep inside me…is telling me to be cautious of this man..but being a women and a weak one at that, I follow my own heart althought my sense telling me otherwise. Why..cause we are the weakest species Allah has created. I am not someone strong. I could fall down anytime if I got hurt and bruise. Nobody is perfect..everyone has a flaw in them..there was a saying..” Learn to love human flaws as much as perfections”..in another word, nobody is perfect in this world.
I had a great walk/run last nite along the Brickland Road..although it was drizzling last nite but it wasn’t heavy as I thought. Me and my niece, Nadd brave the weather together with other joggers, and reached the peak. I felt good..after few days of hiatus of the haze and heavy rain..i felt good..and will continue doing so till I am able to reach what I want..and by doing so..i am able to relax my mind and able to focus more on other stuffs in my life. I know I can do it..and I have prove myself I am able to do it..Go Nora..Go..U can Do It..
Life is short..better live to the fullest…I am telling myself that everyday…no matter what time and what day. This is to remind me..there is no harm to do what I wanted to do…as long as it is the right way.
Dreams…in within 2-3 months..2 of my frens dream of me in an akward position for I, myself had the difficulty to explain. One dream of me, having a bath in the Ramadan month while another, dream of me , crying badly in her dreams weeks ago. Surprise..intrigue and strange suspicious came to my mind. Why ? I can’t answer to that..and I truly don’t know what is the answer, only the almighty Allah able to show me the sign. Most of them, especially my sister-in-law, Fida told me not to believe any of the dreams..unless we dream it contuniously for 3 days. I ever dream of him twice…in my dream, he was sitting near a window and was looking outside,with facial impression deep in thoughts and worried expression. Something tell me, he is troubled by something back home. I know…he might have a family back home..although he do admit he is not married. He could have a fiancée or someone special. I know I shouldn’t hope for anything…shouldn’t think anything related to him. Never give my heart away…It is easy to say, but difficult to carry it out..very difficult. I have tried to do it…but failed everytime.
My close fren is taking a bike lesson….to ride her bike to work everyday, since now she is single again and just her and her kids…she is going to achieve what she wanted. Go for it ..i always encouraged her..do what you want to do..nobody gonna stop you now..
Suddenly, I miss my love ones..my late grandmother and my late mother..i miss them so much. Their presence in my life was a short one..that didn’t allowed me to spend more time to be with them or showered them more luxury or loves when they are old. Their presence in my life, changes bit of me..in good and bad. I was closer to my grandmother than other cousins or siblings. I am the one who goes to her if my other cousins bully or ignored me. Her words of wise advices always play in my mind and heart. I always remember her nagging..especially when I came back from school..”Nora…dah sholat”..she always make sure I will do my duties and pray..and be a good muslimah. But why, till now..i couldn’t fulfil that for her. Although I couldn’t complete my 5 times a day prayer…at least I try to do so. It was a sin to miss even one of it..i am ashamed to be call a MUSLIM if I am leading this type of lifestyle. Although I have stay away from alcohol,drug or casual sex…at least I know..i am not going down those road…
There was a saying..life is unpredictable. “expect the unexpected”. I was worry of a fren current condition with her life. I could say, it was going to be a messy divorce ahead of her but knowing her…since 15 years ago..i know she will get through this with just a flick of her hand and she will move forward. There is a better life for her ahead. Although she will be saddle with 2 kids, there is no way and nothing gonna stop her for doing what she wanted. And she are now learning to ride a bike..isn’t that good. I myself can’t afford to do so…...
Dear Blogger,
Ok...very recently, someone add me in facebook.."Zul Keith Lee"...hahaha..sound familiar isn't it? He is a jerk..a married man now with a son but flirt and slept with many women's he could find in Bearshare..Friendster and Facebook...i am not sure if some of you did come across him previously in bearshare or friendster but this is the guy that ever made a pass at a fren...asking her for a one night stand...hahahah..he was turn down ungraciously and he wasn't happy. As normal, as someone add me in fb and i wasn't as cautious..as long as not foreigner..i will just add them..not knowing whats laid out for me..the problems of being harassed..by the spouse...eerr...what's with the WIFE nowadays..it's not my fault your hubby want to add me in his facebook..??and not my fault he keep on sending some lewd and funny messages thru fb..we didn't even meet..and i didn't give him my contact..so..i am a free person..not tied up with anyone but that doesn't mean..i am CHEAP. I still got my religious belief and alhamdulilah..will hopefully allah will prevent me from going to such road..what the hell is this man thinking..offering me such proposition...go to Geylang if he was so desperately need one and better still, as a wife..know where you stand in your marriage..and keep track of your husband philandering ways. I am not a 3rd party and i am sure, the others are also innocent of this scheme that your hubby did. By sleeping around with strangers is not the answer to have the BEST SEX ever competition in the market. I know such person previously and i hopefully won't come across that type of person again..in my life..EVER again. I know a Bitch who slept with every men's she knew...although she is married with 2 kids and now, i know a Bastard..who slept with every women's he can get...although he is also married with a son..these two people should get to know each other well..they are well-suited to be together..in heaven and hell..obviously.
It is common for human beings to made mistakes..either in their work life or relationship. mistakes are made to learn , not to repeat the same mistakes again. But why do some, still making the same mistakes..over and over again..and again..that lead to some hurtful experience for others. i dun understand..why is it a person who is happily married are now looking for constant companion to filled himself , while the wife is struggling with a complicated pregnancy? why do such men existed in our life? But why are the wife, just stand back and let them do so..i am speaking from an experience that i went thru earlier February 2009..and that such person is back again...hmmpphh...why can't he learn from his mistakes and make amend?Why can't he see that he is hurting his wife and family in doing so? And why can't he realise that by doing so...he is endanger himself to having diseases...by sleeping with strangers...why...why? I should be asking him that...when i saw him in fb..under an alias name but its the same person,whom i just describe..he was related to a fren..and worse of all...he added me twice but i ignore. I dun want to get involved in this situation so i better stay away and learn from the past mistakes.
Dear Blogger,
A normal Sunday went by and the HAZE from Indonesia , have slowly lessen due to rain in this past few days, if not, it is really choking us when we were walking on the streets or going to work. And the heat...it was so hot and warm, whenever i walk on the streets, my whole body will perspire...like nobody business...can't take the heat anymore..i prefer to stay indoor for the past few days..
I managed to clinch a deal with Royal Touch under Artistry products..i bought the whole set of Artistry II pure white for myself..and managed to get Nadia to sign in..well, not really critic her but i am amazed she know much on putting the make up but dun know how to take care of her skin...for this i will get her involve..for her good well being. For her to have more knowledge in her skin matter...
My daily routine of brisk walking..got an opposition from few parties..from "him",frens and my family. They are just not keen of me going out everynite to do the faithfully exercise along the Brickland road...especially after the news of the Woodland slasher. But i am sure...i pray hard it won't happen anywhere near me..please Allah...please protect me...speaking of "him"..weeks gone by..i do miss his email and sms..chatting with him..i do hope he will do well in his test..but from the last conversation we had..he doesn't sound very confident..and not sure..so i guess..more effort are to be put in..in the future.
We meet up on last Sunday. He wanted to find Salted Fish...oh my god..he like to eat Salted fish..or better still...ikan masin in malay..hahahah..i really can't imagine him eating that but then its one of the delicacies from his country. And at the same time..he gave me some souvenirs from there..and prawn crackers..i told him before, of how someone gave me prawn crackers from BN..it was superb..delicious..different from the one that i bought from Malaysia or Indonesia..it was nice..but then, the one that he gave me..is still untouched. Keep it for a while...
Knowing very well that soon CGH will be moving back to hq...the whole section is buzz with the delight of some who will be posted to..who will be joining the CGH team and who is going where..the excitement and gossips that we are hearing..is enough to damper the mood. Some of us are so comfortable working with each other, but to be separated, was kind of mix feeling that develop among us. There was sadness,happiness and confusion..those groups that are still making their decision is still under the confusion team..hahahah
Dear Blogger,
A harsh criticism from a close fren, left me feeling hurt. To me, a dress is just a dress...a simple flowery dress and nothing more. Why must she made such a comment in that way..Obviously, i don't have the figure to wear and flaunt it. Well, sorry this gal is not a sexy BBW that some are. There is nothing revealing or sexy. Its just a simple flowery dress. But knowing her for years, i know such comments that she make, its for my benefit..but truth hurt.
NORA